Some days....

I think I may be bipolar and am starting on the down side. The last few days I have been feeling rather low at times. If this goes the way it usually does, this will get worse over the next few weeks before I start feeling better. Lately I have really been missing my dad. He is the only person I have had die that I still really miss. His death really affected me in ways I'm still figuring out. I know it made me think a lot more about my own mortality. But, that is not all. I always really loved him and felt he was the only one that really understood me. Unfortunately, it has only been since his death that I am beginning to really understand what a noble and humble man he was. He really sacrificed for his family, much more than anyone else I have known. And this was something he did from a young age. Life really handed him a raw deal, but he never gave up the struggle to make things better for his family. I'm sorry I am not more like him and feel like I could have done more to make him proud of me. After all, I really have just coasted through life. A little struggle here and there, but for the most part, just coasted along. I'm not proud of my life, but it is really hard for a leopard to change his spots.

Anyway, I catch myself thinking of him at odd times and really wishing I could have gotten to know the man better and opened up to him more. You see, I really keep my inner thoughts bottled up inside me. Even my spouse does not know the real me. I think it would scare her if she did. But, then, she has changed a lot in the past few years and I don't really know her anymore. She is a completely different person from the one I married.

Do you think we have a soul? I used to. Now I just hope we do, but feel like we don't. I can see why the idea of a god and heaven is so appealing to people to believe. Otherwise, what is the point of our existence. And when we are dead, that is it, we are dead forever. I'm not even sure about the existence of spirits, though I have experienced events in my life that I can't explain otherwise. Leaves me in quite a quandary.

Well, enough of this. I'm off to bed. I have a headache. Good night dad, where ever your soul may be. I really miss you.