I looked up and saw HER across the room. My heart skipped a beat. I can never recall feeling like this just being in the presence of anyone else.
But I must stop this madness. I have decided the only way I can survive this is to just try and be a friend. Can I do this? Can I survive this? I must.
I love HER. But.....it can never be.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
There's just no hope.....
The frustration has turned to sadness. SHE saw me. SHE smiled at me. SHE talked with me. SHE laughed with me. SHE touched my hand. SHE cannot be mine. I just want to go away and cry the deep, sad cry of despair.
Will I eventually become bitter? I hate when I am that way. Life is not fun right now. This is not an enjoyable ride. I feel this is more proof that life is random. There is no set destiny. Though, there are many cosmic potholes. Should we dodge the potholes or see what change they can cause? Maybe one will swallow me and take me to a better place. Maybe any other place is better. Life really is a crap shoot and I keep losing.
I am full of self pity that is beginning to turn into self loathing. My brain screams. My heart pains. My soul sinks deeper in to pit.
This cannot end well.
I close my eyes and see HER. I WANT to be with HER. I CAN'T be with HER.
Will I eventually become bitter? I hate when I am that way. Life is not fun right now. This is not an enjoyable ride. I feel this is more proof that life is random. There is no set destiny. Though, there are many cosmic potholes. Should we dodge the potholes or see what change they can cause? Maybe one will swallow me and take me to a better place. Maybe any other place is better. Life really is a crap shoot and I keep losing.
I am full of self pity that is beginning to turn into self loathing. My brain screams. My heart pains. My soul sinks deeper in to pit.
This cannot end well.
I close my eyes and see HER. I WANT to be with HER. I CAN'T be with HER.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
This just SUCKS!!!
Almost 3 years since a post. Well, that really does suck. But that's not what the title was about.
I have been married for quite a few years. And I do mean "quite a few". I do love my wife, but as with many long relationships I find we have less in common and are drifting apart. I'm tired of her. She may be tired of me for all I know, though I'm not going to ask. I have no intention of ending our relationship.
Then SHE came along. NO! I have not had an affair or even contemplated one. But I am bewitched and bewildered by HER. I find myself wishing I was without obligations and able to pursue a relationship with HER. I have not felt this way about another person since I fell for my wife and yet, even that was not the same as this feeling. I don't even know if SHE would want a serious relationship with me. We are friends. WHY!!???? It really disturbs me to think about wanting HER and knowing there is absolutely nothing I can (MEANING WILL) do about it.
AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!! Many times a day my soul (do I have one?) just SCREAMS out in utter frustration. A part of me wants to love HER and thinks it already does. But would SHE even have me if it was possible? I am almost old enough to be HER father. BUT NOT QUITE. I want to be smothered by HER presence. I want to drown in the clear blue pools of HER eyes. I want to feel the touch of HAND, hear and feel the beating of HER heart, taste the sweetness of HER full lips. However, at this time these are forbidden and unattainable to me.
Is this some cosmic trick being played on me by some almighty jokester? I have even found myself starting to request intervention by a universal omnipotence. Feh. Do all men go through this (or all women) at some point in their lives?
SHE feels so much like a soul mate that I have been missing. This I can truly say I have never felt from my wife. But, there really has been love. Can you believe in a soul mate and still not believe in the existence of a god, for lack of a better term? I have been intrigued and lusted for other women, but SHE....is different. I don't want to just jump....well, HER. I want to be with HER. I want to share, talk, laugh, cry, teach and learn with HER. I like the way I feel when SHE's around me and I want more of it. Go ahead and call me selfish. I like the feeling. I don't want it to ever go away. But, it's like crack and I WANT MORE!!!!
Man, we are one screwed up species. So life will go on and I will continue to be miserable because I am too much of a coward to do anything to change it. I wish I could share this bit of rambling with HER so SHE would know some of how I feel about HER. But that would be a little bit creepy, don't you think?
That was weird. Time just repeated itself. I really must be insane. But, if you recognize you are insane does that not preclude you from being insane? AUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH. This just SUCKS!!!
I have been married for quite a few years. And I do mean "quite a few". I do love my wife, but as with many long relationships I find we have less in common and are drifting apart. I'm tired of her. She may be tired of me for all I know, though I'm not going to ask. I have no intention of ending our relationship.
Then SHE came along. NO! I have not had an affair or even contemplated one. But I am bewitched and bewildered by HER. I find myself wishing I was without obligations and able to pursue a relationship with HER. I have not felt this way about another person since I fell for my wife and yet, even that was not the same as this feeling. I don't even know if SHE would want a serious relationship with me. We are friends. WHY!!???? It really disturbs me to think about wanting HER and knowing there is absolutely nothing I can (MEANING WILL) do about it.
AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!! Many times a day my soul (do I have one?) just SCREAMS out in utter frustration. A part of me wants to love HER and thinks it already does. But would SHE even have me if it was possible? I am almost old enough to be HER father. BUT NOT QUITE. I want to be smothered by HER presence. I want to drown in the clear blue pools of HER eyes. I want to feel the touch of HAND, hear and feel the beating of HER heart, taste the sweetness of HER full lips. However, at this time these are forbidden and unattainable to me.
Is this some cosmic trick being played on me by some almighty jokester? I have even found myself starting to request intervention by a universal omnipotence. Feh. Do all men go through this (or all women) at some point in their lives?
SHE feels so much like a soul mate that I have been missing. This I can truly say I have never felt from my wife. But, there really has been love. Can you believe in a soul mate and still not believe in the existence of a god, for lack of a better term? I have been intrigued and lusted for other women, but SHE....is different. I don't want to just jump....well, HER. I want to be with HER. I want to share, talk, laugh, cry, teach and learn with HER. I like the way I feel when SHE's around me and I want more of it. Go ahead and call me selfish. I like the feeling. I don't want it to ever go away. But, it's like crack and I WANT MORE!!!!
Man, we are one screwed up species. So life will go on and I will continue to be miserable because I am too much of a coward to do anything to change it. I wish I could share this bit of rambling with HER so SHE would know some of how I feel about HER. But that would be a little bit creepy, don't you think?
That was weird. Time just repeated itself. I really must be insane. But, if you recognize you are insane does that not preclude you from being insane? AUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH. This just SUCKS!!!
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