I'm Drunk

So ignore most of what I type today. "But now I've come to my decision
And it's one of the painful kind" (this artist was lost before his time). I have been taking care of my Mom in one way or another for the past 7 years. Tonight came the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't usually drink, but the situation and subsequent argument that ensued tonight led me to drink. I know this is no excuse, but I needed some numbing.

It is time for my sister to cowboy up and care for her mother for a change. My parents did so much for her and since our father's death she has pretty much ignored our mother. But this is about to change. If I have to dump her on her door step it is going to happen. I cannot have her in my house much longer. I'm hoping greed will make my sister agree. I know it won't be compassion or love. This WILL happen.

Now for my other problem. A thousand times a day I want to tell HER that I love HER. A thousand times a day I bite my tongue. But, I realize that SHE will probably never be mine. So from now on SHE really will only be a friend. I cannot be going insane a thousand times a day for HER and what may never be.

There is just one thing I want to say before I end this. Christine, if you ever read this, just know that you are my forbidden fruit and I will not try to taste you any longer as long as you are forbidden. I LOVE YOU. But I cannot live 2 lives. If this reality continues to change, then we were never meant to be and I must come to grips with that. If there are future un-played out events that do unfold as before, then we shall see. I cannot and will not just wait. I must go on with my life as it is now in this reality and maintain my sanity. But do know this Christine, I do love you and will always be your friend you can count on no matter what occurs. I hope you find your lobster. Have a good life.

I may continue to blog on this forum, but right now I don't know. I will continue to need an outlet and sometimes this is the only way I can do it. I guess that is what happens when you don't have any really good friends with whom you can bare your soul.

Until then, I am the "AgnostikMonk".

Addendum: This has been very hard to edit since I am very drunk. Please ignore and excuse the grammatical or spelling errors that may be present.