Monday, July 21, 2014
Sitting Out the Next Dance
I just can't do that anymore. I can't take it anymore. I have truly loved three women in my life who have left me in one fashion or another, one through actions that were beyond our control that left me on this pale blue dot and not her. The heartache and loss of trust has left me in a position where I am no longer willing to allow myself to feel that kind of loss and hurt again. It is just too great. I never thought I would find myself in this position and willing to forgo love or intimacy of any type. But here I am, broken and shell shocked, totally without hope or desire. I am alone and now choose to be that way for the rest of my life, whether it be 1 more day or 1000. It just doesn't matter anymore. I'm done. From here on out it is only me and about me. There will be no other to share my road. Good luck to those who have a dance partner. It is special. Never forget that. Never take it for granted. You never know when the dance will be over for good. For me, it is. I'll miss it but just can't take it if there was ever to be another and the music once again stopped. I honestly believe if that was to happen I would stop for good as well.
Saturday, June 07, 2014
Letting Go and Moving On (I Hope)
My Dearest Love,
I have never felt such deep feelings for someone as I have for you. You fill my heart and soul with such joy, happiness and meaning. I looked forward to seeing you every single day and cherish each moment we were together. That time was not frivolous as you mentioned. It was powerful and alive with the promise of anything and everything. If you truly felt the short time we had together was frivolous then I completely misread everything you ever did or said and that is a little sad. You were so filled with life itself that I can not believe anything could be considered frivolous.
That was then and this is now. Life and circumstances have separated us, perhaps never to be together again. I have let that happen too many times in my life. Opportunities missed, risks not taken, life not lived, and I have made a promise to myself to not regret another missed moment. I don't know how much longer I have left on the lease of this mortal coil. It may be a day or another 100 years, but I am making an effort not to regret how I live each moment left to me from this point forward.
Every day that has gone by since our paths parted your memory has weighed heavily on my heart. Never a day has gone by that I have not seen your face in my mind, heard your voice, your laughter in my head, felt your touch in my dreams. In a very real way I was crushed by both your absence and my own obsession. Obsession because that is what it was, truly. My heart will never be the same nor will my life because of what you brought into my very essence. That is why it is so hard for me. I have come to realize that I did not want to let go of that, because that would mean that I understand I have lost out on the absolute best thing that ever could or will happen to me. It is a loss I refused to recognize.
Perhaps enough time has finally gone by and the excruciatingly sharp pain of loss has dulled just enough that I can begin to realize the past is truly forever gone never to be reclaimed. I have to let go. I have to say goodbye. I have to move you out of my heart as much as possible. Part of you will always remain there. It is and has been yours for the keeping. No one else will ever be able to claim that piece. It is time to move forward with my life. So goodbye my dearest love. Goodbye my soul mate. Goodbye my tiny dancer. I can never have bad feelings for what has happened. There will still be sadness if I let myself dwell upon it for more than a minute. I wish only the very best this universe can bestow upon you. I can only hope that you have found your happiness and your lobster. Your happiness is all I have ever wanted and if it takes us being apart then so be it.
I don't know what life has in store for me. There is a better than excellent chance that I will be alone for the rest of my life. It is not with bitterness or regret that I say that, just realization in the truth of life. I will try and find happiness where I can. I will try and make it when the opportunity arises. I can no longer wait and wonder.
Be well, be loved, and above all, be happy.
Perhaps we shall meet in the next life, but until then just know that,
I have been, and ever shall be your friend.
-Fancy
I have never felt such deep feelings for someone as I have for you. You fill my heart and soul with such joy, happiness and meaning. I looked forward to seeing you every single day and cherish each moment we were together. That time was not frivolous as you mentioned. It was powerful and alive with the promise of anything and everything. If you truly felt the short time we had together was frivolous then I completely misread everything you ever did or said and that is a little sad. You were so filled with life itself that I can not believe anything could be considered frivolous.
That was then and this is now. Life and circumstances have separated us, perhaps never to be together again. I have let that happen too many times in my life. Opportunities missed, risks not taken, life not lived, and I have made a promise to myself to not regret another missed moment. I don't know how much longer I have left on the lease of this mortal coil. It may be a day or another 100 years, but I am making an effort not to regret how I live each moment left to me from this point forward.
Every day that has gone by since our paths parted your memory has weighed heavily on my heart. Never a day has gone by that I have not seen your face in my mind, heard your voice, your laughter in my head, felt your touch in my dreams. In a very real way I was crushed by both your absence and my own obsession. Obsession because that is what it was, truly. My heart will never be the same nor will my life because of what you brought into my very essence. That is why it is so hard for me. I have come to realize that I did not want to let go of that, because that would mean that I understand I have lost out on the absolute best thing that ever could or will happen to me. It is a loss I refused to recognize.
Perhaps enough time has finally gone by and the excruciatingly sharp pain of loss has dulled just enough that I can begin to realize the past is truly forever gone never to be reclaimed. I have to let go. I have to say goodbye. I have to move you out of my heart as much as possible. Part of you will always remain there. It is and has been yours for the keeping. No one else will ever be able to claim that piece. It is time to move forward with my life. So goodbye my dearest love. Goodbye my soul mate. Goodbye my tiny dancer. I can never have bad feelings for what has happened. There will still be sadness if I let myself dwell upon it for more than a minute. I wish only the very best this universe can bestow upon you. I can only hope that you have found your happiness and your lobster. Your happiness is all I have ever wanted and if it takes us being apart then so be it.
I don't know what life has in store for me. There is a better than excellent chance that I will be alone for the rest of my life. It is not with bitterness or regret that I say that, just realization in the truth of life. I will try and find happiness where I can. I will try and make it when the opportunity arises. I can no longer wait and wonder.
Be well, be loved, and above all, be happy.
Perhaps we shall meet in the next life, but until then just know that,
I have been, and ever shall be your friend.
-Fancy
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