Sitting Out the Next Dance

I just can't do that anymore. I can't take it anymore. I have truly loved three women in my life who have left me in one fashion or another, one through actions that were beyond our control that left me on this pale blue dot and not her. The heartache and loss of trust has left me in a position where I am no longer willing to allow myself to feel that kind of loss and hurt again. It is just too great. I never thought I would find myself in this position and willing to forgo love or intimacy of any type. But here I am, broken and shell shocked, totally without hope or desire. I am alone and now choose to be that way for the rest of my life, whether it be 1 more day or 1000. It just doesn't matter anymore. I'm done. From here on out it is only me and about me. There will be no other to share my road. Good luck to those who have a dance partner. It is special. Never forget that. Never take it for granted. You never know when the dance will be over for good. For me, it is. I'll miss it but just can't take it if there was ever to be another and the music once again stopped. I honestly believe if that was to happen I would stop for good as well.

Letting Go and Moving On (I Hope)

My Dearest Love,

I have never felt such deep feelings for someone as I have for you. You fill my heart and soul with such joy, happiness and meaning. I looked forward to seeing you every single day and cherish each moment we were together. That time was not frivolous as you mentioned. It was powerful and alive with the promise of anything and everything. If you truly felt the short time we had together was frivolous then I completely misread everything you ever did or said and that is a little sad. You were so filled with life itself that I can not believe anything could be considered frivolous.

That was then and this is now. Life and circumstances have separated us, perhaps never to be together again. I have let that happen too many times in my life. Opportunities missed, risks not taken, life not lived, and I have made a promise to myself to not regret another missed moment. I don't know how much longer I have left on the lease of this mortal coil. It may be a day or another 100 years, but I am making an effort not to regret how I live each moment left to me from this point forward.

Every day that has gone by since our paths parted your memory has weighed heavily on my heart. Never a day has gone by that I have not seen your face in my mind, heard your voice, your laughter in my head, felt your touch in my dreams. In a very real way I was crushed by both your absence and my own obsession. Obsession because that is what it was, truly. My heart will never be the same nor will my life because of what you brought into my very essence. That is why it is so hard for me. I have come to realize that I did not want to let go of that, because that would mean that I understand I have lost out on the absolute best thing that ever could or will happen to me. It is a loss I refused to recognize.

Perhaps enough time has finally gone by and the excruciatingly sharp pain of loss has dulled just enough that I can begin to realize the past is truly forever gone never to be reclaimed. I have to let go. I have to say goodbye. I have to move you out of my heart as much as possible. Part of you will always remain there. It is and has been yours for the keeping. No one else will ever be able to claim that piece. It is time to move forward with my life. So goodbye my dearest love. Goodbye my soul mate. Goodbye my tiny dancer. I can never have bad feelings for what has happened. There will still be sadness if I let myself dwell upon it for more than a minute. I wish only the very best this universe can bestow upon you. I can only hope that you have found your happiness and your lobster. Your happiness is all I have ever wanted and if it takes us being apart then so be it.

I don't know what life has in store for me. There is a better than excellent chance that I will be alone for the rest of my life. It is not with bitterness or regret that I say that, just realization in the truth of life. I will try and find happiness where I can. I will try and make it when the opportunity arises. I can no longer wait and wonder.

Be well, be loved, and above all, be happy.

Perhaps we shall meet in the next life, but until then just know that,

I have been, and ever shall be your friend.

-Fancy

The Meaning of Life?

OK, that has probably been asked by every person since consciousness touched the human mind. I don't think anyone has come up with a valid answer. Many have attempted through the use of religion and god/gods or more humanistic views. Yet these have all come up short of a true answer. Perhaps there is no real answer and that in itself is the true answer to life. In the end we all die and this short trip is over.

Perhaps a more important question is why are we self aware and made to go through each day with the knowledge that death is merely a heartbeat away? And what does this death thing bring? Is it as simple as a flip of the switch and everything is shut off? Does our energy release from this mortal coil and join with a more universal or cosmic existence? Or, do we have a soul that goes to some hell or heaven with streets of gold with angels and virgins?

Well, I'm not in any hurry to find out, but I have days like today where living doesn't hold a lot of value. Would my death really affect anyone in the true scheme of things? Of course there are a couple of people that would feel sad for a period of time, but would it cause their lives to really be any different than it would now?

Perhaps a little dark for today, but it is what it is.

Until next time,

-The Agnostik Monk

You wrote to me

You actually wrote back to me. It is the first thing of substance you have said to me in over two years. And you have no idea what that meant to me. OK, your life has changed in ways that I could never foresee. You have found god or Jesus and feel fulfilled. Honestly, not something I would have expected in a million years. Yet, I am happy for you. I really am. We all need something to hold on to that helps make this chaos that is called life make some kind of sense. I truly hope the happiness continues and grows each day for you.

What I find interesting is that you said you would never email me again and my response to that. You know what? I find I'm actually OK with that. Sure, I'm a little sad (maybe a little more than that) that....I don't even know what to call it....is over. I don't feel like our friendship is over. That is something that will continue throughout eternity. I guess we are just on different roads now on this journey called life and there is no foreseeable time or place where those paths will ever again cross. Perhaps the next one, if there is a next one. I'm just so happy that you feel something special and important in your life. That is all we can truly hope for and I'm so very happy for you. I guess that is why I'm OK knowing I will never see or talk to you again.

Be well my friend and know that I have been and ever shall be your friend to the very end of time.

-The Agnostik Monk

My dearest Christine

I cannot begin to express what you have meant to me. I am also so sorry to have hurt you. And I will forever regret having caused you to be pushed away.

So much has happened to me in the past year or two. I was probably directly a cause of some, if not most of it. Now it is time for me to learn who I am. Me as a solitary person. I have never been without someone that was a part of what defined me. Now there is just me. I have pushed and lost those who were that part of me, sometimes deliberately and some by stupid decisions. I don't know who I am. Kind of late in life to realize that I guess but better than never knowing. 

The trek of this discovery has begun and I have no idea where it will lead. It is frightening to be alone. Maybe this is part of the rite of passage. Am I strong enough? Am I smart enough? Am I resourceful enough? I just don't know.

One thing I have learned is that nothing is written in stone except that this journey through life is finite. We just don't know when it will come to a screeching halt unless we choose that moment to end the trip. So I am going to try and grasp what I can during the short time that is left.

Daggers at my soul

Ten months since I saw you last and yet the hurt is still there. You told me you loved me. You had become my best friend. You had become a confidant. I felt safe talking with you, exposing my dreams, my thoughts, my fears, my soul. Maybe I stepped over the line. But I never wanted to break a confidence. I never let us get in a situation where integrity could be compromised. And now you won't even talk to me. You told me you were leaving, yet my heart still hurts. Everyday. It's as if the universe is throwing daggers at my soul. When will the hurt stop. I don't want to forget you. You are too special for that. But the pain has got to end. I'm ready to just give up. I can't take the pain every day. I will go insane. I just don't know what I will do. I just don't know. But I do know I still love you. I know I still want you as a friend and nothing more. Just stop the pain.

What a weekend

And not the good type. At least today hasn't been too bad. So this week I have to start finding a place to put my mom. She cannot stay in my house much longer. It's just not safe.

Now for the one question I have been meaning to ask. Christine, why is it whenever we are talking you seem to hold back and want to say more than you actually do? Is there something you are afraid of or do you just not want to share? My feeling is more the former than the latter, but I have been wrong before though my gut instincts are usually pretty true. Please don't feel like you need to hold back.

OK, short post today. Have a good life.