Forbidden Fruit

Today was HER birthday. As a friend, I got a couple of small, insignificant gifts for HER. A sign of friendship, nothing more. Though, I want to revel in HER beauty every day. I want to share with HER. I want to be with HER all the time.

We were talking and SHE showed me HER horoscope for this week. It really hit on what SHE has been trying to decide with HER life lately. Then, SHE said, "Let's look at your horoscope". SHE actually remembered my birthday. That was a shock, but a rather nice one. SHE began reading my horoscope aloud and all I could do was stand there dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say.

Here is my horoscope for this week:

A delicious forbidden fruit will be more available than usual in the coming weeks. You can choose to ignore it, of course. You can pretend it's not even there and instead concentrate on the less forbidden fruits that are tasty enough. Or, on the other hand, you can sidle up closer to the forbidden fruit and engage in some discreet explorations, testing subtly to see whether it's any healthier for your sanity than it used to be. I'm not sure what the best decision is, but I do suggest this: Don't just rip off all your defenses, forget all your commitments, and start heedlessly taking big bites out of the forbidden fruit.

I have never been a big believer in astrology or any other outside forces controlling my life. But I felt this was pure serendipity what with all the conflicting feelings I have been having lately. Nor does this mean I am going to start believing every horoscope written about me, but I do wonder if there is more to this than I understand. I'm not quite sure how to articulate the way I feel about this. But, it's not like I could tell HER that SHE is very well my forbidden fruit. And I do want to taste it, though I know at this point in time I cannot. I also know I cannot ignore HER like SHE is not there.

So life continues to go on this crazy path and I will continually be tempted by this forbidden fruit, at least for a while longer.

The Struggle Continues

I really am trying to just be a friend. It really isn't easy, but I am making a concerted effort. I am actually trying to change my life. And I'm doing it for me believe it or not. Since February I have lost 28 pounds. Just another 120 to go. Yeah, I'm a really big guy. I'm really watching how much I eat. I'm also starting to exercise and just be more active. In other words, getting up off my sorry ass.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. Well, I've been a decent father, but I definitely was not the best. I recognize that and try to pass on where I have found I failed. I really miss my father at times. It's been 7 years since he died. What happens when you die? Do you just stop and begin to decay? Does your spirit release and wander the universe? Do you have a soul that goes to a heaven or hell? Why must we be aware that there is an end? It seems so futile. I guess that is why so many people believe in an omnipotent being so they can live with the fact they are going to die one day.

I love HER. I try not to, but find myself so entranced. I look upon HER face and just cannot help but fall for HER beauty. Why must I be tortured so? So, I continue to try and be a friend. Just a friend. And the struggle continues....

Happy Father's Day to those who are or were. And best of luck to those who one day will be. And...try to be the best you can be.

Don't Go

My heart broke into a thousand slivers today. SHE said SHE might be leaving. A heavy sadness filled me. But, I could not show it. The odd part is that I have lived this already. I will not tell HER what SHE chose before. I will not try and tell someone else what they should do based on my lost year. We all have a free will and I will not interfere. I will only encourage HER to choose what is right for HER.

So now I wait for HER to leave and my heart to be broken again. And I await the next major event to reoccur. Will it? So far little things have changed, but the larger events seem to be unveiling the same as before.

I want to tell HER "Don't Go", but I love HER too much to try and stifle HER spirit. So life goes on, as bitter-sweet as it may be.

Cosmic Potholes

Well, I'm working at it. But there has been a new wrinkle thrown in. This will convince you I'm insane. I lost an entire year the other day. I mean, I really lost a year. I remember everything that happened in the last year, but now that year hasn't occurred yet. I will not go into any specifics because there are some things that happened that are just too painful to discuss. Suffice it to say, I'm getting a do over. And I don't want it.

While there were some really painful memories (that now haven't actually happened, yet), there were some good things also. And now I don't have those. Just knowing what those things were I'm afraid will interfere with those events happening again. Already, I've noticed a couple of minor things that are different from the first time I traveled this path, or something similar to this path.

Some days it really tears me up that an event is going to happen and feeling helpless to prevent it. I believe in Chaos Theory in that every act, no matter how insignificant, grows in effect the further from the original act and that no two things can happen the same way twice because of other events that are out of your control.

This isn't the first time I have lost time. However, this is the first time that I can recall an entire year and having to replay it. Sometimes, it is a feeling of Deja Vu. Others it is a feeling that something around you just changed. Sometimes you can put your finger on it, other times not. Then there are the times you find that you are not where you were. Such as being in one room and suddenly you're in the next. Or, you are driving down the road and all of a sudden you are driving on the road parallel to the one you thought/were just on.

To make things worse rarely do those around you realize or understand that time/now/situation (whatever you want to call it) just shifted. If you mention it they think you are weird or full of gavno.

The first instance I can really recall this happening in my life was when I was a young teen. I started talking about an antique car that he owned and stored. He stopped me and wondered what the hell I was talking about. I could see the bewilderment in his eyes that he had no recall of this car. I may have had instances before and just didn't realize what they were, but that instance made me realize there was more going on than me making up a story about a car.

I can never guess when they are going to happen. Sometimes they seem to be clustered and there will be several minor shifts in the now reality (for lack of a better term) that occur within a relative short period of linear time. There are other extended periods where nothing seems to happen.

I also feel there are many people who never experience these shifts. There are a few that do sense something, but can't figure out what it is. And there are the very rare who understand that reality shifts. Maybe "our" reality (I don't even know if I would recognize my original reality) touches others and there are some of us, for whatever reason, who fall through these cosmic potholes into the other reality. I guess all you can really do is hang on and enjoy the ride never truly knowing what is around the next corner.

So I have to say this to all those out there who have thought it would be nice to have a do over in life or wished "they knew then what they know now", be careful what you wish for, it may just come true. Having a chance to live through a period you already did (or did I?) and knowing what happened/will happen/may never happen again is not all it's cracked up to be.

Maybe that's the explanation, this is someone else's wish, their "do over" and I got caught up in it. I think I liked where my life was heading. How much would it upset me if I found out this was someone else's "do over" and then find out who and/or why.