What a weekend

And not the good type. At least today hasn't been too bad. So this week I have to start finding a place to put my mom. She cannot stay in my house much longer. It's just not safe.

Now for the one question I have been meaning to ask. Christine, why is it whenever we are talking you seem to hold back and want to say more than you actually do? Is there something you are afraid of or do you just not want to share? My feeling is more the former than the latter, but I have been wrong before though my gut instincts are usually pretty true. Please don't feel like you need to hold back.

OK, short post today. Have a good life.

I'm Drunk

So ignore most of what I type today. "But now I've come to my decision
And it's one of the painful kind" (this artist was lost before his time). I have been taking care of my Mom in one way or another for the past 7 years. Tonight came the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't usually drink, but the situation and subsequent argument that ensued tonight led me to drink. I know this is no excuse, but I needed some numbing.

It is time for my sister to cowboy up and care for her mother for a change. My parents did so much for her and since our father's death she has pretty much ignored our mother. But this is about to change. If I have to dump her on her door step it is going to happen. I cannot have her in my house much longer. I'm hoping greed will make my sister agree. I know it won't be compassion or love. This WILL happen.

Now for my other problem. A thousand times a day I want to tell HER that I love HER. A thousand times a day I bite my tongue. But, I realize that SHE will probably never be mine. So from now on SHE really will only be a friend. I cannot be going insane a thousand times a day for HER and what may never be.

There is just one thing I want to say before I end this. Christine, if you ever read this, just know that you are my forbidden fruit and I will not try to taste you any longer as long as you are forbidden. I LOVE YOU. But I cannot live 2 lives. If this reality continues to change, then we were never meant to be and I must come to grips with that. If there are future un-played out events that do unfold as before, then we shall see. I cannot and will not just wait. I must go on with my life as it is now in this reality and maintain my sanity. But do know this Christine, I do love you and will always be your friend you can count on no matter what occurs. I hope you find your lobster. Have a good life.

I may continue to blog on this forum, but right now I don't know. I will continue to need an outlet and sometimes this is the only way I can do it. I guess that is what happens when you don't have any really good friends with whom you can bare your soul.

Until then, I am the "AgnostikMonk".

Addendum: This has been very hard to edit since I am very drunk. Please ignore and excuse the grammatical or spelling errors that may be present.

Forbidden Fruit

Today was HER birthday. As a friend, I got a couple of small, insignificant gifts for HER. A sign of friendship, nothing more. Though, I want to revel in HER beauty every day. I want to share with HER. I want to be with HER all the time.

We were talking and SHE showed me HER horoscope for this week. It really hit on what SHE has been trying to decide with HER life lately. Then, SHE said, "Let's look at your horoscope". SHE actually remembered my birthday. That was a shock, but a rather nice one. SHE began reading my horoscope aloud and all I could do was stand there dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say.

Here is my horoscope for this week:

A delicious forbidden fruit will be more available than usual in the coming weeks. You can choose to ignore it, of course. You can pretend it's not even there and instead concentrate on the less forbidden fruits that are tasty enough. Or, on the other hand, you can sidle up closer to the forbidden fruit and engage in some discreet explorations, testing subtly to see whether it's any healthier for your sanity than it used to be. I'm not sure what the best decision is, but I do suggest this: Don't just rip off all your defenses, forget all your commitments, and start heedlessly taking big bites out of the forbidden fruit.

I have never been a big believer in astrology or any other outside forces controlling my life. But I felt this was pure serendipity what with all the conflicting feelings I have been having lately. Nor does this mean I am going to start believing every horoscope written about me, but I do wonder if there is more to this than I understand. I'm not quite sure how to articulate the way I feel about this. But, it's not like I could tell HER that SHE is very well my forbidden fruit. And I do want to taste it, though I know at this point in time I cannot. I also know I cannot ignore HER like SHE is not there.

So life continues to go on this crazy path and I will continually be tempted by this forbidden fruit, at least for a while longer.

The Struggle Continues

I really am trying to just be a friend. It really isn't easy, but I am making a concerted effort. I am actually trying to change my life. And I'm doing it for me believe it or not. Since February I have lost 28 pounds. Just another 120 to go. Yeah, I'm a really big guy. I'm really watching how much I eat. I'm also starting to exercise and just be more active. In other words, getting up off my sorry ass.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. Well, I've been a decent father, but I definitely was not the best. I recognize that and try to pass on where I have found I failed. I really miss my father at times. It's been 7 years since he died. What happens when you die? Do you just stop and begin to decay? Does your spirit release and wander the universe? Do you have a soul that goes to a heaven or hell? Why must we be aware that there is an end? It seems so futile. I guess that is why so many people believe in an omnipotent being so they can live with the fact they are going to die one day.

I love HER. I try not to, but find myself so entranced. I look upon HER face and just cannot help but fall for HER beauty. Why must I be tortured so? So, I continue to try and be a friend. Just a friend. And the struggle continues....

Happy Father's Day to those who are or were. And best of luck to those who one day will be. And...try to be the best you can be.

Don't Go

My heart broke into a thousand slivers today. SHE said SHE might be leaving. A heavy sadness filled me. But, I could not show it. The odd part is that I have lived this already. I will not tell HER what SHE chose before. I will not try and tell someone else what they should do based on my lost year. We all have a free will and I will not interfere. I will only encourage HER to choose what is right for HER.

So now I wait for HER to leave and my heart to be broken again. And I await the next major event to reoccur. Will it? So far little things have changed, but the larger events seem to be unveiling the same as before.

I want to tell HER "Don't Go", but I love HER too much to try and stifle HER spirit. So life goes on, as bitter-sweet as it may be.

Cosmic Potholes

Well, I'm working at it. But there has been a new wrinkle thrown in. This will convince you I'm insane. I lost an entire year the other day. I mean, I really lost a year. I remember everything that happened in the last year, but now that year hasn't occurred yet. I will not go into any specifics because there are some things that happened that are just too painful to discuss. Suffice it to say, I'm getting a do over. And I don't want it.

While there were some really painful memories (that now haven't actually happened, yet), there were some good things also. And now I don't have those. Just knowing what those things were I'm afraid will interfere with those events happening again. Already, I've noticed a couple of minor things that are different from the first time I traveled this path, or something similar to this path.

Some days it really tears me up that an event is going to happen and feeling helpless to prevent it. I believe in Chaos Theory in that every act, no matter how insignificant, grows in effect the further from the original act and that no two things can happen the same way twice because of other events that are out of your control.

This isn't the first time I have lost time. However, this is the first time that I can recall an entire year and having to replay it. Sometimes, it is a feeling of Deja Vu. Others it is a feeling that something around you just changed. Sometimes you can put your finger on it, other times not. Then there are the times you find that you are not where you were. Such as being in one room and suddenly you're in the next. Or, you are driving down the road and all of a sudden you are driving on the road parallel to the one you thought/were just on.

To make things worse rarely do those around you realize or understand that time/now/situation (whatever you want to call it) just shifted. If you mention it they think you are weird or full of gavno.

The first instance I can really recall this happening in my life was when I was a young teen. I started talking about an antique car that he owned and stored. He stopped me and wondered what the hell I was talking about. I could see the bewilderment in his eyes that he had no recall of this car. I may have had instances before and just didn't realize what they were, but that instance made me realize there was more going on than me making up a story about a car.

I can never guess when they are going to happen. Sometimes they seem to be clustered and there will be several minor shifts in the now reality (for lack of a better term) that occur within a relative short period of linear time. There are other extended periods where nothing seems to happen.

I also feel there are many people who never experience these shifts. There are a few that do sense something, but can't figure out what it is. And there are the very rare who understand that reality shifts. Maybe "our" reality (I don't even know if I would recognize my original reality) touches others and there are some of us, for whatever reason, who fall through these cosmic potholes into the other reality. I guess all you can really do is hang on and enjoy the ride never truly knowing what is around the next corner.

So I have to say this to all those out there who have thought it would be nice to have a do over in life or wished "they knew then what they know now", be careful what you wish for, it may just come true. Having a chance to live through a period you already did (or did I?) and knowing what happened/will happen/may never happen again is not all it's cracked up to be.

Maybe that's the explanation, this is someone else's wish, their "do over" and I got caught up in it. I think I liked where my life was heading. How much would it upset me if I found out this was someone else's "do over" and then find out who and/or why.

Only Friends

I looked up and saw HER across the room. My heart skipped a beat. I can never recall feeling like this just being in the presence of anyone else.

But I must stop this madness. I have decided the only way I can survive this is to just try and be a friend. Can I do this? Can I survive this? I must.

I love HER. But.....it can never be.

There's just no hope.....

The frustration has turned to sadness. SHE saw me. SHE smiled at me. SHE talked with me. SHE laughed with me. SHE touched my hand. SHE cannot be mine. I just want to go away and cry the deep, sad cry of despair.

Will I eventually become bitter? I hate when I am that way. Life is not fun right now. This is not an enjoyable ride. I feel this is more proof that life is random. There is no set destiny. Though, there are many cosmic potholes. Should we dodge the potholes or see what change they can cause? Maybe one will swallow me and take me to a better place. Maybe any other place is better. Life really is a crap shoot and I keep losing.

I am full of self pity that is beginning to turn into self loathing. My brain screams. My heart pains. My soul sinks deeper in to pit.

This cannot end well.

I close my eyes and see HER. I WANT to be with HER. I CAN'T be with HER.

This just SUCKS!!!

Almost 3 years since a post. Well, that really does suck. But that's not what the title was about.

I have been married for quite a few years. And I do mean "quite a few". I do love my wife, but as with many long relationships I find we have less in common and are drifting apart. I'm tired of her. She may be tired of me for all I know, though I'm not going to ask. I have no intention of ending our relationship.

Then SHE came along. NO! I have not had an affair or even contemplated one. But I am bewitched and bewildered by HER. I find myself wishing I was without obligations and able to pursue a relationship with HER. I have not felt this way about another person since I fell for my wife and yet, even that was not the same as this feeling. I don't even know if SHE would want a serious relationship with me. We are friends. WHY!!???? It really disturbs me to think about wanting HER and knowing there is absolutely nothing I can (MEANING WILL) do about it.

AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!! Many times a day my soul (do I have one?) just SCREAMS out in utter frustration. A part of me wants to love HER and thinks it already does. But would SHE even have me if it was possible? I am almost old enough to be HER father. BUT NOT QUITE. I want to be smothered by HER presence. I want to drown in the clear blue pools of HER eyes. I want to feel the touch of HAND, hear and feel the beating of HER heart, taste the sweetness of HER full lips. However, at this time these are forbidden and unattainable to me.

Is this some cosmic trick being played on me by some almighty jokester? I have even found myself starting to request intervention by a universal omnipotence. Feh. Do all men go through this (or all women) at some point in their lives?

SHE feels so much like a soul mate that I have been missing. This I can truly say I have never felt from my wife. But, there really has been love. Can you believe in a soul mate and still not believe in the existence of a god, for lack of a better term? I have been intrigued and lusted for other women, but SHE....is different. I don't want to just jump....well, HER. I want to be with HER. I want to share, talk, laugh, cry, teach and learn with HER. I like the way I feel when SHE's around me and I want more of it. Go ahead and call me selfish. I like the feeling. I don't want it to ever go away. But, it's like crack and I WANT MORE!!!!

Man, we are one screwed up species. So life will go on and I will continue to be miserable because I am too much of a coward to do anything to change it. I wish I could share this bit of rambling with HER so SHE would know some of how I feel about HER. But that would be a little bit creepy, don't you think?

That was weird. Time just repeated itself. I really must be insane. But, if you recognize you are insane does that not preclude you from being insane? AUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH. This just SUCKS!!!